cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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