how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
