You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
