Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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