I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
