I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
