If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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