I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
