I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
