I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
