I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
