I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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