I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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