Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You are the jesus of drinking
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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