I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
