my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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