What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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