I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
