Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
