i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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