hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I am naked and annoyed.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
