Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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