Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
