mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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