can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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