You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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