I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Randomize
