My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
