I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
