Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
