genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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