It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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