life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
