holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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