Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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