I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
