I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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