the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
