I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
