ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
