I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
