I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
