She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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