Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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