who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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