Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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