you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
