Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
