Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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