So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
